Side Trip
by Tucker986
Summary: My meanderings in Mass Effect.  Some make sense, most probably won't.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Had to let this out, it popped into my head at work. May get company in the future, but for now, enjoy a drabble.

"Shepard, are you sure this is safe?" Garrus looked at his human friend trying to determine why the SpecTRe was trying to kill him. "I mean, nobody has used these in the last century, how do you know they will work?"

"Well, if something goes wrong, we are gonna know pretty quick aren't we? Besides, I had to have some fun with the dividends on those mining rights we spent so much time on. Relax, we will be fine. Just think about how Joker is handling seeing this!" For some reason, Garrus did not really feel reassured, but seeing the response from the sarcastic pilot was hilarious. The man was completely speechless for a good ten minutes before turning slack jawed to the Commander.

"You want us to do WHAT in those? Commander, I like your enthusiasm, but those things belong in a museum not out here where something could break them."

"Joker, if you are nervous you can start off with someone else in control and you can just go for the ride until you are comfortable with it. Garrus, no that does not mean you are getting out of this either, you got stuck with me by assignment."

If anything was worse to say to the cocky pilot than mentioning him giving up control of anything remotely airborne, Garrus could not think what it might be. The red flush crept up his neck and made it to his ears before he blew off like a grenade. "There is no way I am gonna admit someone else into the control seat. I can do this, disease or no. Shepard, you suck for even suggesting that."

"Noted, now put on your helmets and strap in guys, this is gonna be a rush."

An electronic tone beeped in a countdown as Shepard climbed into the seat ahead of Garrus and buckled the various straps designed to hold one firmly to the cushioned frame. Surprisingly enough for Garrus, there was no awkward positioning necessary to fit his Turian frame into a seat designed for Humans, probably due to the slightly reclined nature. Taking one last opportunity to attempt talking reason into the apparently suicidal Human in the front seat, he asked "Why are we doing this again?"

The reply should have been expected, he had been working with Shepard for long enough. "Cause some smart-ass made a bet, and I want to see him pay up when I collect."

Suddenly there was no more talk as a horrific noise assaulted the collective hearing of everyone in the area. It soon settled down into a dull roar and Shepard did something complex on the controls in the front. A quick lurch and a steady tone in his helmet meant nothing to Garrus, but Shepard obviously was waiting for it. A fist was raised in a quick pump, and a flash of motion to one side showed a man in a bright colored shirt make a peculiar waving motion. The noise level suddenly increased several dozen decibels before the crush of acceleration hit him full in the chest, smashing him against the seat.

The feeling barely ceased before suddenly all he could see was a clear, cloudless sky and the positive G-forces mounted again. Shepard was clearly enjoying this greatly, as a single sustained yell of exultation filtered back to him. Garrus was not sure what to think, and after a couple of unexpected loops and spins, he wasn't doing much thinking at all as he tried to control his stomach's sudden intention of emptying in the wrong direction.

* * *

If anything the stop was worse than the start. There was the distinctive feeling of slamming into an immovable object in one direction and then a massive jerk that almost caused his head to hit the back of Shepard's seat. As the noise spun down to a stop Garrus shakily undid the straps holding him in place and oozed to the apparently solid and stable ground. Shepard was laughing non stop upon seeing this, and scraped him off the ground before pulling him through a door that was never designed for beings of his height. Joker was sitting on a stool just inside the room looking as sick as Garrus felt. A vague recollection filtered through that Joker had indeed had to give up control to the second person with him midway through the experience, and Garrus knew that would upset the pilot worse than any of the extreme motions would have.

Shepard, flushed with excitement but now bursting with adrenaline lasted a whole three seconds before blurting out "Well now, I have two bets to collect on. Joker, I expect to see you in the mess hall on the Normandy at 19:30 I need to confer with Gardner on the best way to prepare your hat. Garrus, I heard you throwing up behind me, so you get to try on that lovely new armor Kasumi has been preparing for you. I expect to see you in the mess hall at the same time."

The rest of the ground team was starting to filter into the room from their observation areas of choice, and after everyone was collected, they shuffled into the Kodiak for the flight back to the Normandy. Kasumi asked flat out what was on everyone's minds "Shepard, when did you start planning this?" A sharp bark of laughter and then "I have been planning this since I met Garrus. Just had to wait for the credits and let the restoration team do their job. Amazing how quick things can get done when you buy the company doing the work." The drop shuttle lifted off the metal decking, and the window in the side showed a magnificent view of the wet navy carrier USS Reagan with the two F/A 18C Super Hornet jets still parked on the deck.


	2. Another Bet

A/N: in working out my frustration at saving over an entire chapter for one of my stories I got a stupid idea. Here is the result.

* * *

Garrus was sitting in the mess hall trying to choke down Mess Sergeant Gardner's latest attempt at Turian cooking. He gave the man credit for trying, but he was if anything getting worse at it. The mass sitting on the plate in front of him was barely edible, and Garrus was about to give up and grab one of the bland ration bars just to knock the taste out of his mouth. Gardner was whistling something that he presumed had a tune, the Turian still hadn't acquired much of an ear for Human music, and bustling about in the kitchen area. The clank of pots and the slamming of cabinet doors punctuated his whistling for a good ten minutes before the man suddenly snapped his fingers and started to furiously rummage through the food storage for something. Garrus looked over to see Gardner's hind end sticking out of a lower cabinet and heard a muffled "Aha!" The cook pulled back out of the tight space and set something on the counter in front of him, making a crinkling noise as he opened the package before sliding something onto a serving dish.

Now intrigued, Garrus watched as he stepped out from behind the island with the dish in his hands and walked to the table. Gardner bent down and deposited the plate in the center of the table and laid a knife next to it. "Happy Holidays Everybody!" The crewman sitting nearby, Hawthorne if Garrus remembered correctly, looked over at what was on the dish and groaned loudly. "I thought Shepard got you real ingredients to work with Gardner! What is this shit?"

The cook looked wounded by this comment. "Its a tradition is what it is, if you don't want to share in it then don't have any."

Shepard chose that moment to round the corner from the elevator. "What's a tradi... Get. That. Thing. Off. My. Ship."

Garrus was surprised, he knew Shepard had superstitions about strange things, but this was new to him. He tried to find out what was bothering his friend. "Come on Shepard, it can't be that bad. What is it anyways?"

Shepard whipped around to look him square in the eye. "That thing is an abomination and should have never been allowed on board. No self respecting person would ever eat it, let alone serve it in any seriousness, so I have to assume Gardner decided to do so as a joke of some sort."

Now he was even more confused, but he could see that Shepard needed something to break the mood. "So, want to bet on it?"

"Bet on what?"

"That nobody will eat it. Obviously Tali and I are out because of the whole dextro thing, but I am sure someone on this ship will eat it."

Shepard mused on this for a second, then replied "Five Hundred Credits"

At the mentions of such money, the various crew members in the area started clamoring to get in on the action. The pool was up to somewhere in the range of thirty five thousand credits by the time Garrus got free of the crowd to search out the one person who would eat anything without batting an eye.

Grunt was in his cargo hold as usual, and responded quickly when Garrus mentioned food. He became more excited when Garrus mentioned there was a bet about whether he would eat it or not. Garrus grinned inwardly, the Krogan would eat week old Vorcha if someone gave it to him, this would be easy money.

By the time they got to the mess hall, everyone not on duty had already gathered in a ring around the table. During the wait it seemed that Shepard had cut a slice off and set it on a separate plate. When Grunt walked up to the table, a round of groans was heard from several who had placed their bets early. Shepard stepped up to explain the rules of the bet.

"The bet is that no one on this ship will eat what is sitting on that plate. The rule is that you must use a fork to consume the entire piece without gagging or throwing up. If you can handle the first piece, you are welcome to the rest of what is on the table. Go."

Grunt eyed the plate before him suspiciously, it was not like his Battlemaster to present a challenge like this, and he wondered what was wrong with the food on it. He grabbed the puny human utensil and carefully used it to separate a smaller piece off, knowing he had an audience and he wanted to put on a good showing for his teacher. He sniffed at it, trying to determine if it was poisoned. After a bit, he carefully placed it in his mouth and pulled the fork out. As he went to swallow, something inside him reacted violently and he spit the chunk out before running to the sink and ducking under the faucet to clear the taste from his mouth.

Blubbering out from under the stream of water he could barely be understood "Battlemaster, throw me unarmed and naked into a Thresher Maw nest but do not ask me to eat that ever again."

Shepard just laughed at this.

"See Garrus, I told you. Nobody is willing to eat Dollar Store Fruitcake."


End file.
